While station executives scrambled to explain the incident as "high spirits" and "cheap beer," the full transcript speaks for itself:
Albert "Puck" Wilson: Hello and welcome back from Obscure and Dragging, a classic film starring Dick Tracy, Ginger Rogers, and a young Keanu Reeves. What a fantastic movie.
Tiffany Zest: [holding "Obscure" DVD with both hands] This is absolutely the best movie ever made, Pete. I love this movie.
"Puck": Not as much as I do, Tiffany. Or our viewers, who make all this possible. Quality programming, without commercials. Like tonight's feature, brought to you by:
Tiffany: "The Filch Foundation. Subtle software solutions for the enterprising accountant."
Puck: "IBN Business Consulting. Advice you can trust from a company that knows how to pay people to make funny commercials."
Tiffany: "Fjord Trucks and Motors. Celebrate Fall—Grab an SUV! All SUV prices have been slashed, demolished, incinerated! Hurry to your local dealer! NOW! You'll drive home in your own SUV long before they ever shut up and get back to the movie!"
"Puck": Thanks to these donors, and viewers like you—
Tiffany: I just want to say that this movie changed my life.
"Puck": Yes, it transfigured mine. I must have watched it three times.
Tiffany: Don't even try, Paul. I watched it two dozen times! I'm going to watch it tonight! Again and
again, until I keel over off my futon! You need this movie, people. This film heals our brokenness. I've seen it restore friendships, save marriages, cure cancer—
"Puck": What Tiffany means, without the spittle, is this: Don't just get yourself a copy, get a copy
for everyone you know. Friends, neighbors, countrymen—
Tiffany: Did you know that the Apollo 13 astronauts watched this movie on the way to the
moon?
"Puck": And you're probably anxious to get back to it yourself. Tough. Coming up, we'll have a lengthy interview with Kip Marseilles, the legendary continuity checker—
Tiffany: Who was actually there when the real continuity checker spotted an unshaved chin hair on
Dick Tracy.
"Puck": Thanks, Tiffany.
Tiffany: No problem, Phil. That tasty tidbit is on the second DVD, The Uneventful Making of Obscure and Dragging. It's a riveting docudrama. Me and my friends watch it every other night in our pajamas for a girl's night in! Sometimes we do karaoke—they say I do a fantastic Ginger Rogers—like in that interview, where she says—
"Puck": Friends, our operators are standing by. For a donation of only fifty dollars, you can receive a copy of tonight's show, minus the film. Over 16 delightful hours of Tiffany, myself, and "the gang."
Tiffany: And for only a hundred dollars, you can have an actual VHS case for Obscure and
Dragging. Perfect as a conversation piece! A household god! Orto hold a VHS cassette!
"Puck": Finally, if you want to be a real WASP viewer, or you just want to finish the movie before next week, you can get your very own copy of this film—
Tiffany: No!
"Puck": Yes!
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