I´m just kind of throwing this out there, since I mentioned it in passing the other day. I´d really like to hear from an orthodox canonist on the subject of "internal forum." Pete Vere are you listening?

My own personal thoughts are, that I think it possibly could be used in extreme circumstances, and I don´t know what they are, nor do I believe that it´s for me to go there. That said, I can see where the use of "internal forum" to bring people back into the Church could be abused.

From what I understand or at least have read, and it´s very little, internal forum can be used in extreme cases when there is no other way to get a person back in a regular situation. That said, I have heard of many cases where it seems like a priest used the internal forum because it was the "easy" way out.

I´ve mentioned before that I wanted to convert for years, that I was awaiting my annulment for a long time, and several years had passed by and still nothing happened. I should mention that my wife and I and our children were attending the RCC, and for all purposes were a Catholic family, although we obviously didn´t take communion. As time passed, I was told that I could convert from Anglican to the RCC. I was surprised, since I thought I needed to wait for my annulment. But it was explained to me that I could be accepted, and best yet, my wife and I could take communion. Now please understand, I am not trying to talk bad about this priest, who I greatly respect and consider a friend, and this was a process over quite a few months of talks with him, etc.

But there was one problem. I was remarried in a civil court, which was accepted in the Anglican Church, but not in the RCC. To that question, the priest asked both my wife and I, were we married? And of course, we answered, yes. I have to say, that my wife for me is the greatest thing in this world, and that we are together seeking God´s will. The priest did say that some people would tell us that we would have to live as brother and sister later, but that was between us and God. And we were allowed to take communion. This, in a nutshell is internal forum, which relies heavily on a person's conscience.

Later, I read quite a bit more about the internal forum, and people were almost always told that they should never cause scandal. What does that mean, never causing scandal? Well, it meant never really opening up to people, or taking communion in other Churches where they aren't known. For quite a while my wife and I went along with this, that is until after a few months, I began to get the feeling that I was coming into the Church by the backdoor, that I couldn´t be open with people. Something just seemed wrong (my "poor" conscience? or a guilt complex?). My situation, to say the least, seemed even more irregular as I was still in the process of an annulment, albeit, a very long one and it didn´t help when the US Tribunal said that they´d hear my case.

So, what happened? Well simply put, I began to read a bit more about this. I confided in a few close Catholic friends my situation and doubts, and I went to a few other priests. I have to say, the answers were pretty varied, but eventually I heard something that I didn´t like, but the way it was said, full of love for me, and my wife, and our relationship, made me sit up and think.

What am I saying? Well, just this. After a lot of prayer, my wife and I decided that we needed to live as brother and sister until the annulment was through, and we could have a marriage in the Church. I remember when we made the decision we both felt blessed...and I can say since, it has been a true road to Calvary. I´m not going to lie to you, because yes, well after all these years together it seemed natural to do what married couple do. Can you imagine having children together, living years together married (but not in the Church) and then suddenly having something cut-off? But, I can say, that when we have given into the temptation, we both immediately felt horrible. I think my wife described it the best, by saying she felt like we were Adam and Eve in the Garden, and God was calling us, but we couldn´t answer because we felt the weight of sin. There was a separation from God that was brought about my our knowledge of our predicament.

So what did that mean? Well, going to confession and admitting that we´d sinned and that we intended to live chaste lives. (SIDENOTE: I can´t express enough my feeling that every person should have a personal confessor, somebody that knows your real story. Think about it...what´s it like to go the same person over and over again, and say, to admit, I am weak, but help me. The easy way out instead is to shop around for some priest who doesn´t know what you are trying to do, who doesn´t know your "story." And, of course, you can use that to your advantage...I´ve gone to confessors who I had to argue with that yes indeed it was a sin, and others who actually stood up to shake my hand to say "thank you" to me and that they would pray for me. But what is that? But again, there´s nothing like a personal confessor, somebody who really knows what you´re struggling with, who doesn´t give you some quick absolution, but somebody who honestly cares and wants to help).

Am I making myself clear?

Let´s get something straight. I am no saint. I desire my wife more than anything in this world, and I am tempted. But I love God, and I want to sanctify my marriage. My marriage to my beautiful wife means everything to me. And if this is what it means to ensure that I´m not bringing any old baggage into our relationship, that she knows beyond doubt that I love her, well then...wouldn´t you do the same?

Just thought I´d share that with you.

- jesus gil